Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
How does it feel to date your dad?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
