We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
im holly from the hills drunk
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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