I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
