if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
