Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
