She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
