I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
