I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
