literally had 100 drinks last night.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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