she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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