if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
