I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
