he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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