I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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