im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
