Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
