remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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