a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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