I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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