Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
