What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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