I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
