The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
