I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
