I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
