mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just had sex bonerless
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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