I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
did i just pee glitter
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
