Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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