i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
