I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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