im six kinds of drunk right now
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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