im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
