Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A+ Viking dick
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
