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My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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