You really coming over, don't trick.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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