Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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