i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
