I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Floor bacon is actually really good
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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