totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
