Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
