dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
