At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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