I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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