people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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