The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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