I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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