just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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