We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
