That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
