I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
