Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Alive.
So much puke
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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