Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
