oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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