if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
