I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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