The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
