Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
