with your own penis?
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
