I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
