She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
